Heard from Noor n Kat that ex-CDU now needs a TA. I was very tempted to join but its a 70-30. Coz apparently DD thinks he can n is able to 'feed' us 4. I doubt so. We're tight b4 end of the mth most of the time. And apparently he n his mum are not keen to help by getting a maid. I was pissed off actually. Nvm, we shall see.

As for married life n motherhood, i'm very pleased n proud to say - life is good, happily stress with the Bonkers n very glad i'm not staying with my in-laws. If i stay with them i'll end up fighting with them 1 day. And i'm trying to prevent it. Reason why we'll fight - our style of bringing up children. Sometimes i really think that in their family, they only know n are very good at using their mouths - talk without actions. I always hated people behaving that way. either this or procastination. Super piss me off with immediate effect! And when i keep repeting DD says i'm naggy. Well, thats the women power.

Bonkers are doing well. Hyper, kpo, 'talking' either to themselves or to each other, baby-walker bumping, screaming, fingers sucking, pooing, peeing, etc. Sometimes i hear them saying 'mama' while whining. LOL! I'm typically enjoying every moment with them. Wondering if i can have twin girls 3 yrs later. hmm... i dont mind actually.. since its a c-sec. Take 1 baby out like 'bor hua', take 2 put still ok LOL!!!!

Oh ya, i've stop breast feeding. 2 main reasons - they prefer cereal n i'm losing too much weight. So... yeah! Wine, Sake n Fa Guo Lang Jiu, here i come!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wooo been wks since i last blog.

Anyways, life's gd for me. Though tired & stuck @ home (sometimes for 2wks or more), but the Bonkers make my everyday life more & more meaningful & fulfilling. Sometimes i still think how amazing that i'm a mum already! 2 kids' mum! Wahahaha! Yet still i'm young & pretty!!!!!! *Vomit*

Everywhere i go i wanted to bring the Bonkers along but difficult. So i only bring them downstairs to the playground.

DD should be grateful that i did not jump off the building with the Bonkers. At least now i know the reasons behind Bonkers' @#$%^*& and am relieved that there's solutions to it but takes longer time.

I'm a lousy mum....

I haven't gotten any sleep in weeks, and I'm just exhausted. Nope, i'm not suffering from post natal depression, its postpartum exhaustion.

I finally broke down yesterday evening & at night. I couldnt control the feeling and emotions that came. Still i went ahead to aunt's place thinking i'll feel better with my family and cousins all. Everyone asked why my eyes are swollen. I just shaked them off by saying its my contact lens. Think mum knew there's something not right in me that she suggested she bring home Dean to help look after so i can sleep.

I didnt know DD wanted to spend more time with the Bonkers so i agreed to mum's suggestion. DD face changed and i felt i did something wrong again. I cried all the way home. Each time the Bonkers cry, i feel guilty. Every baby suffer from baby colic (which i just knew & found out) which is normal.

Bro & Matt came by after to take some baby stuff for mum. I broke down again and i can tell they're shocked to see me like that, They comfort me and walked me home after that. DD waited for me and made me a drink. He later offered to look after Dylan so i can sleep but still i woke up at 5am plus again but manage to catch a nap in the noon.

Yes, i do feel guilty whenever the Bonkers cry. I always think i do something wrong which make them feel discomfort or insecure. And i dont understand why whenever i feel down or cry people always use my characteristics to say i'm not strong. I dont say out doesnt mean i've no perspective in life or to some situations. Its just that i'm still thinking, observing and trying not to make a big hoo-ha out of it.

And lastly, a super duper big no no - i never thought of killing the Bonkers or myself. Thats too extreme and inhumane.

From married to being a mum made me feel left out from the outside world. Though i very much wanna spend every sec with the Bonkers, there are times i feel alone. Luckily we're moving back to my mum's place soon. We'll be looking after them together and at least mum can acc me. If not i think i'll kena depression lolz!

I tot i'm going to kena depression coz i'm looking after them myself. I'm deprived for a good night sleep. Nights are tough esp they need to be fed every 2 to 3hrs. And in between need to change diapers etc... And i have stretch marks everywhere, sigh... I tried to ignore them by thinking having baby no 3 in a few yrs time hahaha!!

Dar working full time now, less flexible and we cant meet up often now. Think my only friends now are my mum, Dar and computer coz i can online shop lolz!! I can sms them in the middle of the night n they can get shock by it, esp my mum oops!

I hope i can have my own house soon...